Update

Let me start out by saying I want to be a transparent, humble, God fearing, Christ shining, loving through His eyes and with His heart kinda woman. Who I am today is not who I long to be. I know He is working on me and has been since the day of both my physical and spiritual birth. So much has changed and I have overcome so much in my life, especially in the more recent years. I attribute all of what's good to Jesus.

Lately life has been stressful... beyond stressful for me. I felt as if there was something weighing down on me constantly no matter what the circumstances around me. It's probably been a few months of this and it just seemed to get progressively worse. I would seek God.... well at first constantly, then it dwindled until I hit this point where I was wanting to just run. I didn't want to hear him anymore, I was starting to get bitter because I wanted these feelings of stress and hurt and fear taken away. It's been taking a toll on every aspect of my life especially my relationships. I find myself being a person of timidity with so many walls up it's hard to see me. I like it this way a lot of time until I realize it leaves me with few deep and meaningful relationships. I wish so much to be... well myself again. I guess I've actually struggled with being timid and building walls for years now. Honestly, unless you are one of the few people I feel I can open up to, I'm most likely having an anxiety attack as we talk... it really sucks. The anxiety attacks have been too much to deal with lately. I seem to have them way too often... multiple times a day. I've found myself wanting to have a drink or 2 in the evening just to wind down and not feel this weight so heavy on my shoulders. Bad right?! I know the truth so I've been trying so hard to trudge through and not allow myself to fall, but with all this weight baring down and gravity pulling down it was getting really tough. Somewhere in all this I forgot to focus on Jesus. I tired per-say, but sometimes I forget what He did for me because I'm too busy focusing on life and trying to live righteously. I forget that I cannot live a righteous life on my own. I try to do these things for God instead of allowing Him to do these things through me. Ah to see clearly again! I want to share a little of what happened at church today with you. It was during worship when I felt a nudge to lift my hands while singing praise. At first through my pride and bitterness I thought "nope, not gonna do it" Not a few seconds later did I lift my hands in surrender. SWEET SURRENDER! It was beautiful. At that moment I actually physically felt the weight being lifted from me. It was so surreal. I've heard of things like this, but never actually experienced it myself. I've experienced Him taking my burdens away and His Joy and Jesus in general, but never before have I experienced anything physical. It was so amazing and I had such a tough time choking back tears. Praise the Lord, for He is good. My god is good. Our pastor closed with a story from Narnia today which seems fitting here:
"Is he—quite safe?" (Lucy asked about Aslan) "Safe?" said Mr. Beaver "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
So I guess for me I'm going to have to show transparency and stop worrying about hiding my sins and my flaws because for me hiding those things is safe, but definitely not of God.

Prayer for my Dad

Preface:
These days life seems to be so heavy on my shoulders. Not quite sure what it is, but I feel as if I may just breakdown eventually. I maintain composure for my family and most of all because I know You are holding me close Jesus. I trust You with every ounce of my being.... much more than I would ever trust myself or anyone else for that matter. Now my dad is reading this book which is only enabling him to run from you and focus on What is wrong with Christians and Christianity. Somehow he has missed the point that Christians are mere humans who have realized that they are failures who need you. With that said, I'll get to my request.

For years I have watched my dad struggle with You. For years I had faced the same struggles; the giving up of my self and enjoying You as my God instead of me. The freedom of having You in control is so amazing that even in my grief I can still feel the joy and peace that only You can bring. I can understand the feelings he goes through and the excuses he tells himself to avoid You and justify his actions. I have seen him in so much anger and in so much pain at different points of my life. I know of past regrets, yet he still holds on. He knows of You and of Your goodness but cannot give up the reigns fully. For years I have also seen him grow closer and closer to to the Truth. He grew more kind and gentle and giving. He became more full of love and less full of bitterness and anger. While he still held on to these things that chain him to this world I slowly saw the chains breaking free. Now this? As I write this I can hardly see through the tears... these tears that I know come from You over someone who is losing his way. It seems like he's always wanted an out, a reason to denounce You and Christianity. How easy for him to find something that will help him justify this in his time of anger. How easy for him because he won't have to admit his sins and his failures if he's too busy looking at others sins and failures. My heart grieves over him as I see him taking way too many steps back... to many to count. He's usually been a one step forward two steps back and more recently I think I only saw progression. Now this Lord?! Please I beg of You to open his eyes. I know You've been trying since the day of his birth, but I pray that he will finally understand and see Your true beauty. I desire for him to have the same freedom You have given me. The freedom from himself. I'm not sure how much more I can watch him fight you Jesus. The anger he holds onto when he's not walking with You is too much to bare. I lift him up in prayer to You. Please Lord Jesus, don't let him go. No mater how much he fights and pushes You away, chase him and hold him close until he sees Your grace.

Something weighing heavy on my heart

This is something that weighs heavy on my heart. It really irks me, angers me, frustrates me, and hurts my heart. What I'm talking about is this movement in the Christian church and in the so called body of Christ that misrepresents who God really is and his word. This movement is what I call the TBN movement (please don't get me wrong, I know God works through TBN and many of the people on there). This movement is moving in a direction that is self seeking, self gratifying.... me me me! You get the point. I am all about faith and trusting in God and positive thinking, but this is just going too far. I actually saw a video of one preacher calling us "little gods"! We are nothing of deity... nothing! I am so sick of hearing these leaders and followers of Christ talk about "Speaking things into existence" and how we as Christians will live in wealth and health and won't ever suffer. These are all lies and will lead those who believe them into despair and heartache and will easily cause many to question their faith. Nowhere in the Bible does God promise such things in this life... what He does promise is to never leave us, that if we trust him to provide he will just as he does for the birds, that if we follow him and believe in His truths and that Jesus is Lord than we will have eternal life with him. I see this movement and these teachers and leaders asking for money and promising that good things will come if you give to them.... Do they not grasp what a joke this is? They drive around in their Mercedes and live in their mansions and claim to be like Christ..... When did Christ ever live this way?! I'm not saying that God doesn't choose to financially bless some, but when I hear these people putting so much emphasis on things and see these people putting themselves on the throne by saying that they have the power to speak things into existence I am angered. I am angered because we are not God. By the Bibles standards we must humble ourselves and come to the realization that we are nothing without him, that we can do nothing without him. In any instance he can stop our breath if he so chooses, cause catastrophic natural disasters, he can give life to a baby. HE is GOD! Were are so meek in comparison. I know that in this movement they use the term "faith" when referring to this "name it and claim it" (as my husband calls it) act, but help me understand this. . . How is it "faith" when we are relying on our own words and fulfilling our own desires. Faith is allowing God to be the potter, the painter, the architect. Trusting that He knows what's best for our lives and following him even through the storms and the fires and the despair. For me personally it's giving him control and realizing that I can't control my circumstances no matter how hard I try. I have these fears of bad things happening to my loved ones and feel the urge to bubble them up or try to control the environment around them... but who am I but a small weak little woman when it comes to all the possibilities of where life could turn and how quickly it could be ended. I am nothing in comparison so I know I must give these fears up to the Lord and trust that he will care for them, for me. And in the end if he chooses to allow my fears to take place than I must trust that he knows best and that I will make it through the storm. (Oh the fears as I write this) I should quit before I get ahead, but want to say in closing that if I come across as arrogant or holier than thou this is far from the truth. I know my place and know that I am powerless with out God. I know that you and I are no different... "For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" I'd like to think myself better then a murderer, but in reality I am no better because I have sin in my heart. I hope you can understand why this upsets me. I do have more to say, but for now God Bless you.